Tuesday, August 26th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I’m Paul and I have a quick question that I think I already have the answer to. When I was married, my oldest brother Paul had an affair with my wife and she had a baby. I didn’t know about the baby or the affair until my daughter was 3 years old and one of my cousins told me being messy.

When I asked my wife, she told me the truth and also told me that my daughter probably wasn’t mine. (I should mention that she got pregnant while I was letting my brother live with my wife and I after his wife put him out for getting another woman pregnant)

Well, we went through the whole DNA test thing and fortunately my daughter was mine, but I moved out of the house, eventually divorced my now ex wife and told my brother that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. The rest of the family can’t seem to get over the fact that I want nothing to do with Paul. If he’s around the family and I’m around, I say hello, give him a hug, but I don’t go out of my way to call, or have any conversation for him.

My mom says that she thinks that “blood is thicker than water” and I should forgive Paul because it’s been two years. I told her that I forgive him but I still don’t trust or want a relationship with him anymore.

Can you forgive someone and not want to be around them anymore, or does not being around them mean that you truly haven’t forgiven them?

Cal Lee
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Dear Cal Lee,

I get so sick of people trying to use that, “blood is thicker than water” shit in order to guilt you into accepting someone elses wrong. Here’s my issue – if blood is thicker than water, then blood owes you a lot more than the other person does!

See, with the divorce rate as it is, you can always get a new wife (not that you should go into marriage with that mindset) but you just can’t go out there and pick new blood. Your wife was trifling, but your brother owed you respect and allegiance as a) the man who had the same blood flowing through his veins, b) the man who trusted him with his wife after he’d cheated on his own and c) the man who had allowed his stankin ass to move into his home when he didn’t have anywhere to go!

If you say that you have resigned within yourself that you forgive Paul but don’t want anything else to do with him – you have that right. I say it all the time; Just because I don’t want anything to do with you doesn’t mean that I’m harboring ill feelings toward you. I’ve forgiven you, I’ve moved on, but I realize that I can’t trust you, and don’t want to risk allowing you to cause me more grief/hurt. Now, you did that, so deal with it!

So, the answer to your question is, “Yes, you can forgive someone and not want to be around them.” You are doing a lot better than most brothers in your predicament, because most brothers damn sure wouldn’t be reaching out to shake his hand – they’d be reachin for his throat.

You can love your brother from afar, but I want you to check something for me. Think about your brother and if you experience feelings of anger, hurt, or extreme disappointment when you do – then you’re not over it yet, and you truly haven’t forgiven him. But if you think about your brother and you have no ill feelings and you’re OK with that – tell your mama nem to let it go just like you have.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Monday, August 25th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I’m 27 years old and since my sophomore year in college, I have been best friends with Yasha. We’ve been tight since the night we met and we’ve only had one or two arguments in the 7 years we’ve known each other. If I needed something, she had my back and if she needed something, I’ve had her back.

She told me when my boyfriend was cheating and I did the same for her when I saw her man at the movies with one of our sorors. OK, Yasha started dating a dude I’ll call “KJ” about a year ago and it seems like her life has been on a downward spiral ever since. Yasha had a great job at a really good company and five months after meeting this dude, she suddenly left (and lost her house as a result). Her excuse was that they were getting on her nerves, but I never felt comfortable with her story. She was always more responsible than me and the Yasha I know would never just up and walk away from a job without a plan b – I suspected that KJ had something to do with it, but I left it alone.

I found out that this dude was bad news (a drug dealer) and I told my girl. Well she cursed me out and we stopped speaking for a couple of weeks. Yasha has an accounting degree and she has gone from being a financial analyst to a receptionist, to working as a cashier at a dollar store!

She’s constantly losing weight and won’t tell me what’s happening. I think she’s on drugs, but she says no. She’s always asking for money and I never see any of it returned. KJ hit on me a couple of times and I told Yasha and her excuse was that he was “just a flirt”. Well, my boyfriend and I went to their apartment one night and when we left, my boyfriend said, “That dude is bad news. Don’t go back over there!” He wouldn’t tell me what happened, but he was determined to keep me away from KJ.

Last night, Yasha told me that she wanted to meet with me, so I went to her apartment. I had a strange feeling when I got there, because she kept going in and out of the bedroom and closing the door behind her. Finally, I got suspicious and when I opened her bedroom door, Yasha was leaned over the bed with her skirt up while one man had sex with her from behind, another man was filming and she was snorting cocaine off of some man’s penis! I was so shocked, I ran out of there crying.

I haven’t called Yasha even though she’s been calling me all day. Should I talk to her?

Lena
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Dear Lena,

It sounds like Yasha has gotten her ass into some serious trouble and making sex tapes with three men while doing drugs suggests that she’s in too deep. The first question I’d have for Yasha is why the hell she would ask you to come to her house while she was filming a sex video and doing drugs? Do you realize what kind of danger that hoe put you in?

I don’t know if KJ was the cause of her problems, or if she was already a freaky drug addict waiting to be freed when she met him, but I do know that you need to back up. I would talk to Yasha, tell her how disappointed (and pissed) you are about her putting your life in danger, and then I’d suggest that she allow you to help her get into some sort of drug treatment because it’s never too late to get off of drugs, but she has to want to.

If she doesn’t want to get help, then there’s nothing you can do. I wouldn’t go around her and I wouldn’t allow her to come around me unless she agrees to deal with her issues. You should have listened to your man when he told your bald headed ass to stay away from them damned fools. (I’ll bet he told you why he didn’t want you around them after you told him this shit, didn’t he?)

Yasha is bad news, and even though people believe that they have an obligation to “save” folk – the reality is that your obligation is to you first, and to try to get help for your friend second. Don’t you take your ass back over there! Believe it or not, you can outgrow friends. Sometimes lives take different paths and you shouldn’t feel guilty that you’ve chosen a different path than Yasha.

I expect you to be angry with her, but when you calm down – offer her some help with her addiction, and nothing more!

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: Misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Friday, August 22nd – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I am 29 years old and I have a boyfriend named Harvey. We have been together for about six months, so I can’t say that I fully trust and, or believe everything he says even though he says that he is being faithful and honest with me about everything.

The problem is that I also have a first cousin named Brandon who told me that he ran into Harvey at a club about an hour from our town and that he was on the dance floor having a good time as if I didn’t even exist. Now, the day this was supposed to have happened, he called me and said that he was going to play cards at this friend Tyshon’s house so when Brandon told me this, I thought that there might be some truth to it.

The problem? Brandon is gay and he says he saw Harvey at the gay club, but Harvey didn’t see him. He promises that he knows for a fact that it was Harvey and he even watched him get into the car with a guy and described the car (which was a detailed account of Harvey’s best friend’s car).

I want to believe my cousin, but I don’t know how to approach Harvey about it. I think I love him, but how can I stay with him if I will have this hanging over my head?

Aksona
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Dear Aksona,

Giiiiiiirl, No Ma’am! Look here, if Brandon had told me that he saw my man drive past the gay club, I’d be concerned, but if he me that his ass was on the dance floor Vogue’n, Butterflyin’ and sweatin’, I’d have his shit packed and ready by the time he came back home

You have to ask yourself, “Is there a reason Brandon would tell me this if it weren’t true?” (bearing in mind that queens can be messy as hell) and if not, why aren’t you more concerned?

See, it’s one thing to think that a man would be at a club with his friends dancing with some trick because that’s what men do. As long as he doesn’t leave the club with her – no harm, no foul.

Your situation is different because a) Harvey lied when he told you that he was going to play “cards” and b) he didn’t just go to a club – he went to a gay club and that means that he’s living a whole separate (and secret) life! You would expect your man to go out to the club with his boys and look at women and possibly even dance with a few – but you deserve to know that the man you’re dating is also into other men.

I’m really not sure why you’re asking me how to approach this topic because the best way to do it is to just do it – and the sooner the better. Go through the laundry basket and if you find shit stains in the front of his draws – you got him!! Or better yet, put on Jennifer Holiday’s (or Hudson’s) “And I Am Telling You” and then leave the room, but sneak back in and catch his ass lip synchin’ and tearin that hymn up, then point your finger in his face, tell him he has 30 minutes to be gone, or you’re telling his entire family that he was at the gay club with his friend. (Trust me, he won’t fight you on it)

You only have 6 months invested into the relationship. You don’t stand to lose much at this point.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: Misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Thursday, August 21st – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I”m 25 and I am an only child. My mother and I don’t really have a close relationship. I have always been pretty independent and tried to take care of myself because my mother was not like most single mothers, she was always pretty selfish. When I was 15, I went got a job and mom made me pay rent to continue to live in her house. I had to buy my own school clothes, etc., while she was always dressed in nothing but the best. When I was 17, she bought a new car one time and gave me the car she was driving at the time and 3 weeks later the transmission went out and she went around telling everybody that she “gave” me a car and I tore it up by not putting oil in it.

Miss Pearl, I was appreciative of the car she gave me, but I didn’t understand why she makes this big deal out of a) “giving me a car” and b) lying and telling people that the reason I don’t have it is because I didn’t put oil in it. I don’t know a lot about cars, but I think that if the transmission went out in 3 weeks, it was on the way out anyway, right?

When I moved away from home and went to college, I worked as a nanny for a wealthy family. Well, these people treated me better than my mom ever did. I eventually stopped asking her for help because the answer was always, “You’d better get out there and get it like I did!” or, “I don’t have it.” but this family would see how I was struggling and helped me in every way. They would just show up at the dorms with bags and bags of groceries. So much food that I would have to give it away to my dorm mates. But at the same time, I would call mom and say, “I’m hungry” and she would say, “let me call you back” and then wouldn’t answer her phone for two weeks.

The last straw was when she told me that she was going to mortgage off the house that my dad left her when he died (that’s paid for) and that she was going to continue to mortgage it forever. Then she said, “When I die, anybody (me) who wants the house will continue to pay the mortgage, or they’ll be assed out because I don’t care what happens after I’m dead.” I was so hurt that the ONLY thing my mother has to leave me, she wants me to pay for, so I said, “I don’t want the house anyway.” even though I do.

Now, I have a good job and my mom is in trouble with her mortgage and she wants me to send her $3,000 (that I KNOW I will never see again) to save her house. Should I send it to her?

Venus
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Dear Venus,

Only you can decide what’s good for your heart and soul. If you believe that giving away $3,000 to save your mother’s home won’t affect you financially and you won’t be regretful about it, then send it to her and write it off as a one – time repayment for the few things that she has done for you.

If you’re like me, then you’ll keep your money in your pocket and repeat the very words she’s said to you over the years, “You’d better get out there and get it like I did!”, “I’ll call you back”, or “I don’t have it!” – See, I can’t pretend that I’m pulling for a mother who is trifling enough to charge her own teenage child rent and make her buy her own clothing. It’s sad that in this day and age, a child is trying to better herself by going to college and a parent is too sorry to even send her a couple of dollars to buy something to eat.

She told you that she didn’t care what happened to the house if you ever needed it, so why should you give a shit what happens to it now that she needs it? I guess I’m just mean, because I wouldn’t give a damn, I really wouldn’t. I know my nieces and nephews are going to disagree with me, but oh gat damn well. I SAID it!

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Wednesday, August 20th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I’m 25 years old and I have an ex boyfriend named Jerren, who I have an 8 month old daughter with. Jerren is a good father, but he lives with his his 19 year old girlfriend who keeps trying to convince him that my daughter doesn’t belong to him.

She has called me telling me that my little “ugly” baby isn’t Jerren’s and she wishes I keep my baby at home so that I could find her “real” daddy, I’m trying to ignore her ass, but Jerren wants to come and pick up our daughter and keep her overnights, and I know him – so his girlfriend is probably the one who is taking care of her.

I don’t want this chick caring for my baby because I don’t trust her, but Jerren doesn’t understand why I have an issue and always goes off when I tell him that he can’t take our daughter overnight. I know that this is his daughter too, but should I allow our daughter to stay with him overnight, knowing that the person caring for her doesn’t really want to be bothered with her?

Venus
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Dear Venus,

I definitely understand why you have a problem with this because I would too. You’re a mother and you’re always going to be protective of your child because you should be! Jerren doesn’t get it because he believes that the woman who loves him, is automatically obligated to love his child – and that’s a process, baby it don’t just come.

If this chick is convinced the child is not his and calls a six month old “ugly” and Jerren knows it, I would curse his ass out too! You’re better than me because the old Pearl would have snatched that wanch’s hair and teeth out and made her a “Chucky” doll with it. You don’t have any choice at this point other than to level with Jerren and let him know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. Hopefully he’ll understand what’s going on with you and it’ll make sense why you don’t want your child alone around this woman until she is able to speak up for herself.

I also suggest that you tell him that unless he is going to be with your daughter at all times (which I doubt) then he’ll have to bring your daughter back home when he comes to pick her up. I hate to say it like that because most women don’t have the luxury of a man trying to be a part of his child’s life, but Jerren has to understand that this is not a simple “I don’t want my baby around your bitch” situation… this is a “I don’t want that particular bitch around my baby because I don’t trust her!”

The next message she leaves, or the next call she makes, keep it – maybe that’s what you’ll need to let Jerren hear so that he’ll understand your fears. Just make sure that you reiterate how serious you are about wanting him to have time with his daughter and how much you want them to have a relationship, but as a parent, you have genuine, justified fears.

I sure hope he gets it, and things work out for you.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Tuesday, August 19th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Ayntee Pearl,

I’m 18 years old and I graduated high school in May. I dated a guy named Wenton for two years and I was really in love with him. He is going away to school in New York, and I tried to get into the school, but didn’t get accepted so I decided to go to another school in North Carolina.

I tried to get Wenton to come to school near me, but he said he wanted to “make his own way” whatever that means, but he said that we could still date and see each other like once a month or something. I wanted us to be together in school because I was worried about him being with other chicks, so I listened to one of my friends and told him that I was still on the pill (even though I wasn’t) and I got pregnant by him.

Now, I have changed my mind. I don’t really want to be with him anymore and school is about to start but I am two and a half months pregnant. I told Wenton that I was pregnant and his mother has told him that he is going to have to either go to school AND find a job to care for our baby, or he is going to have to quit school, but she is not going to allow him to be an absentee father.

Wenton is mad because he says that he isn’t ready for a child, but now that I realize that I could actually be free to do what I want to for a change, neither am I. Should I get an abortion?

Twyla
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Dear Twyla,

See, that’s what your dumb ass gets! You’re going to listen to your lonely assed friend tell you some dumb shit like “get pregnant on purpose” when your silly ass doesn’t even have an education, let alone, a job??

What you’ve done is possibly change the course of THREE lives – yours, Wenton’s and this baby’s if you choose to keep it. Wenton seems like a sensible guy in that he decided to continue on with his dreams of attending college where he initially planned (unlike your silly ass), but for the life of me, I can’t understand why he thought that you being on the pill was all the protection he needed. What you could have gotten is a lot worse than a life sentence with a baby – you could have gotten a death sentence, Sweetheart!

Do you feel as silly as you should now that you’re pregnant and your life may change drastically while you’re “friend” is free to come and go as she pleases – enjoying her life like a teenager should? I ought to punch you in your damn liver! Now, you feel even worse because you trapped this boy into becoming a parent (although he played a large part in this his damned self) and now you don’t even want him nor the baby!!

Where is your mother, because from what I’m getting from your letter, Wenton’s mother ain’t the abortion type, so you need to sit down with Wenton, explain the situation, get his take on it, then sit down with BOTH your parents and let them know what decisions you and Wenton have made together.

Either way, I’m not in this shit because as I’ve said before – I don’t give abortion advice. It just ain’t in me, so I’m not helping anyone make the decision to either have to live with the fact that they’ve aborted a child, or keep a baby and live with the fact that they’ve KEPT a child that they didn’t want.

You’re on your own kid –

Nieces, nephews… help her out!

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Monday, August 18th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

Since I was in high school, I have always known that one day I would meet and fall in love with (celebrities name withheld). My family has always thought that I was crazy for being in love with a man who was on TV and in the movies, but I just knew that we were meant to be together.

As soon as I graduated from high school, I moved to California to be closer to him so that I could be in a better place to run into him somewhere. Eventually I got a job at a restaurant where celebrities often eat hoping to run into him one day. Well I eventually ran into him and it was love at first sight. The day I met him, he was with his wife, but I knew that if he got the chance to know me, he would leave her and we would finally be together. That day I got fired from my job because it was company policy not to gaze, or try to talk to celebrities unless they engage us.

When he left, I followed him outside even though my boss threatened me that if I did, he would let me go. Oh well, I knew what I had to do and I did it. A few weeks later, I found out where he lived and I went to his house every single day. His bitch ass wife called the police on me and I was taken away, but I came back every day until he eventually came out to talk to me.

He asked me to leave, but I knew that it was because of that bitch he was married to at the time. Joke was on her though because he divorced her fat ass. I found out that he was staying at a hotel in the city about three months ago and I went there. After I talked a maid into letting me inside the room after he checked out, I went in there and got into the hot tub. Well, Miss Pearl. I am pregnant and I am a virgin, so I know that I am pregnant from his sperm that was leftover in the hot tub.

You are my only hope to get him to understand that I am pregnant because I cannot find him to tell him. So, please tell (name withheld) that he should contact (name withheld) because I know that he is a stand up guy who will do the right thing.

Please help,

(Name Withheld by Miss Pearl)
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Dear Name Withheld,

Giiiiirl, do people get flattened by safes being dropped from sky scrapers and then they stand up and shake their head and get filled with air and walk away two seconds later on your planet? Close your eyes and open them up real fast, did you see a Unicorn? Baby girl, you don’t need help from Miss Pearl, you need help from a trained professional, preferably someone with a white coat, some real strong medications and a straight jacket.

Sweetie, I need to be honest with you here. If this man wanted you, he would BE with you! It sounds like he’s met you on more than a couple of occasions, and instead of asking to see you again, he called the POLICE, at what point does that let you know that he doesn’t want to be bothered? Girl, if you’re pregnant, it ain’t by this man! Think about it, even if you DID get pregnant from a damn hot tub, how do you know that you got pregnant from HIS sperm? Do you know that he ever even used the damn thing? What if that was the sperm of a 400lb Elvis impersonator who stayed in that room two weeks ago?

You need HELP because advice ain’t gonna get it. You need medical help – physical only if you refuse the medical.

Please, please, please talk to somebody who can get you the help you need, baby. Go talk to somebody at church, or call your mother but you need assistance that I can’t give you.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Friday, August 15th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I am so lost right now I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like killing myself. I am 16 years old and I live with my grandmother because my mom is on drugs. Every now and then, my aunt Tina asks me to babysit her 2 year old daughter.

Tina’s husband Pete usually comes home and takes the baby and then drops me off at home. (Tina works nights) Three nights ago, Pete came in and while I was using the bathroom while Pete was getting the baby ready. Pete came and knocked on the door and I told him that I was using it, but he came in anyway. Miss Pearl, I was on the toilet and he saw that, but he came in anyway.

I kept yelling for him to get out and when I got up and tried to pull up my pants, he pushed me against the wall and started putting his fingers inside of me. I was scared because the baby was in the house and I didn’t know what he was going to do. For about 2 minutes, he was having sex with me until he heard the baby coming. When I told him that I was going to tell my aunt, he said that she is not going to believe me and the next day, she called me and told me that my uncle told her that I tried to “give him some”. Now my grandmother is saying that I cannot go back to Tina’s house anymore and she won’t even talk to me.

I told my grandmother that he raped me, but she doesn’t believe me because I didn’t tell her before he told Tina.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my family is against me now.

Please help,

Talaya
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Dear Talaya,

I feel so bad for you because, with a mother on drugs and a grandmother and aunt who don’t believe in you, it seems that you don’t have anywhere to turn. Where is your father? Can you talk to him? Would you be able to live with him or any of his family if your grandmother forces you to leave? What about someone at church? Is there a respected adult in the family that you can talk to who may be able to go to your grandmother on your behalf?

Dear, you have been raped. No if, ands or buts about it, what your “uncle” did was a crime that needs to be reported to the authorities. The sensitive situation that you’re in right now is that you don’t know if your grandmother will continue to support you if you turn your aunts husband in. Please call this number immediately: 888-366-1640, this is a 24 hour rape crisis center. There is someone there to talk to you at all times. Find out from them what resources are available to you.

My first mind is to tell you to call the police to report your uncle, but at the same time, I don’t know what your home life would be like after you do. I do want Pete in jail, and I want to slap the shit out of your aunt and grandmother.

Will your grandmother continue to allow you to stay with her if you have Pete arrested? If so, tell. Tell right now. Sit your grandmother down, tell her exactly what you’ve told me and then go straight to the phone and dial 9-1-1!!!

Please, please, please keep in touch with me and let me know what’s going on.

If you need advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Thursday, August 14th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My older sister Kelly and my mother always had a bad relationship. Before I was born, my mom was married to Kelly’s father David. David was very abusive and used to beat my mother and Kelly to the point where he used to put my mom in the hospital.

He used to hit Kelly so hard in her head when she was a little girl, to this day she still suffers from major headaches and has serious complications behind it. My aunts say that Kelly used to shake violently and cry whenever David came around. Well, even though David was married to mom, he was cheating on my mom with another lady and went to jail for life because he killed a man the lady was also messing with.

Kelly has always had “issues” and she blames it on the fact that her father abused her. Well, I found out about 6 years ago that David wasn’t Kelly’s real father when I heard my mom talking to one of my aunts. When I later asked my aunt, and then my mom, they both confirmed it.

Mom died last year and Kelly still has issues about her “dad” abusing her. I want to tell her that David wasn’t her real father, but I don’t know if I should. I asked mom why she would let Kelly go her entire life believing that a murderer who abused her is her father, but she never had an answer.

Should I tell Kelly that the man she believes to be her dad, isn’t, or should I mind my own business?

Struggling with the truth
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Dear Struggling,

Wow, this is a deep one. One that I really don’t know how to answer. I guess if your mom and your aunts confirmed that David isn’t Kelly’s real father, then it’s probably true. But, like you, I don’t know why your mom would let her grow up believing that a murderer, and a man who abused her is her father either.

Have you talked to your aunts? Do they believe that it’s a good idea to reveal this information to Kelly at this point? Will telling her make her “issues” even deeper because she’ll really hate your mother for keeping it from her, or do you believe telling her will alleviate some of the pain she’s gone through her entire life by believing that her father hated her?

I think you should talk to your aunts and see what they think about it because sometimes “truth” hurts more than it helps. I don’t know how this situation will play out because I really don’t know Kelly, or how deep her issues run.

I don’t get stumped too often, but when I do – I do!

Nieces, nephews…. help your cousin with this one. Anybody ever been through something like this? Would you tell?

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Wednesday, August 13th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I am 18 years old and I’m leaving for the air force soon. The problem is my boyfriend Seth. He is 27 and he slipped up and told me that he has been trying to get me pregnant for the past 2 months. Miss Pearl I am pissed because I am not ready for children yet. I’m just 18!!!

I have told Seth that I will not be having unprotected sex with him anymore because I do not want a child until I am either married, or I have experienced enough to be ready to settle down and take care of one. Now he wants to break up with me because he thinks that I am trying to leave and be with other men and that’s why I don’t want a baby.

Miss P, I don’t even know where I am going to be stationed, and I’ll be in the army. Who is going to take care of this child while I’m living in another state?

Should I leave consider having a baby with this man, or do you think that I am right to want to wait until I am more settled?

Tabitha
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Dear Tabitha,

Tell Seth to sit his ass down somewhere. He’s trying to control you – point blank! He’s worried about what you will be doing while you’re away in the Air Force, and to get you pregnant is a way to ensure that you’ll be stuck in the house babysitting and not somewhere enjoying what are actually your TEENAGE years!!

There is nothing wrong with having a baby at 18, but why would you with no husband? You’re not even old enough to drink yet. Enjoy your youth, drop Seth and party on, girl! He’s 27, he shouldn’t be trying to tie you down any damned way.

So, the answer to your question is not “no”, but “hell no!”… you’re too young, and like you said, whose going to babysit while you’re 18 year old ass is living in another state alone with a baby?

If Seth was truly concerned about you, then he would ask you to marry him first, and then let the baby come. (If he asked, say no). Enjoy your youth, have a baby after you’re established enough (both emotionally AND financially) to take care of one.

What happens when Seth is back at home doing his thing while you’re stuck in the house with a baby every night? What if you get called to Iraq? Whose going to take care of your baby? Damn Seth!

PS: Don’t you have another unsafe sex session period unless it’s with your husband!

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Tuesday, August 12th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My brother dated a girl named Asha for eight years and they have two children. A boy and a girl. They broke up two years ago and me and Asha started messing around on the low, but nobody knew it. She got back with my brother and we started messing around again soon afterwards.

They broke up again last year and I decided to tell the family that I wanted to be with Asha. We got together and she and the kids moved in with me. My mother and brother and sisters have “disowned” me and asked Asha not to come to their homes unless it’s to drop the kids off.

Asha wants to get married, and I want to marry her, but my family won’t have any part of it. I know that my brother was cheating on Asha, so he didn’t care about her anyway, so why is he so upset that I have stepped up?

I think they should get over it. I don’t expect my brother to be at the wedding because I don’t understand why my mom and sisters won’t have anything to do with me.

What can I do to make my family accept that Asha and I are going to be together?

Lost
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lost,

Did you really expect your family to welcome back into the family, the woman who has not only been a part of the family for eight years as your brothers girlfriend, but also has children with him?

What’s wrong with you that, with all of the women in the world, the one you’ve decided that you want to marry is the one who has children with your brother? Have either of you selfish, ignorant toads stopped to think what your “love” is doing to anyone other than yourselves? Does it even dawn on you that what you’re doing is probably the equivalent of a stab in the heart to your brother?

Do you realize that accepting your “relationship” is just as hard on your mother and your sisters because to accept this is to “condone” your relationship and “take your side” even if they don’t want to be in the middle? What about the children? Has anyone thought about how confused they must be now that mommy is living as man and wife with their uncle???

What happens when you and Asha have children? Are the children 1st cousins and brothers and sisters? People say that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but I say that’s a damn lie! You’re wrong, and you need your ass whooped, so don’t use the fact that your brother cheated on his girlfriend as a justification to get with her – if his relationship ain’t right, let him fix it, not you!

The problem is that you’re there now and I don’t think that you’re going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly have some morals. So, all you can do is deal with the repercussions of your actions and not expect your family to accept them, because they probably won’t.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Monday, August 11th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

First of all, I love your site and I read it every single day. I never thought that I would be one of the people asking your for advice, but here I am. My boyfriend asked me to marry him two years ago, we planned a wedding for June of 2006, but he changed his mind and we put it off until June of 07.

I had already planned the wedding, sent out invitations, paid for the cake, etc and he came to me and said that he just doesn’t know if I’m the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, so he wanted to continue to live together until he was sure. I recently asked him if he ever plans to marry me and he told me that he is 95% sure that he wants to marry me, but he has started seeing other women in order to be 100% sure that I’m the one he wants to be with forever.

I don’t know what to do. He has started coming home whenever he wants to. And he gets mad if I ask him where he’s been. He’s holding it over my head because he knows that I want to get married so badly. I know I am being stupid, but my mother tells me that I should let him sow his wild oats so that by the time we get married, he will be done with all of that.

Is my mother right? Should I wait it out?

Tired of waiting
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Dear Tired of Waiting,

You definitely aren’t tired enough because if you were, you would have been out the door the first time he told you that he didn’t want you! Your mother is probably from the old school, a dying breed of women who have convinced themselves that there are no good men, and that a woman should simply be happy just to have a man around, and if that means you have to share him with another woman – be polite and share him.

Aunt Pearl ain’t that kind of woman, baby! If a man tells you that he’s not sure if he wants to be with you, then it’s up to you to make his mind up for him! Don’t stick around being miserable waiting on a man to DECIDE if he wants you. If he doesn’t want to be with you, pack his shit and let him go and move on with your life. Black women have a hard enough time with men these days than to still be sitting idly by waiting on a man to pick her up like she’s a stray puppy on the side of the road!

Your problem is that you’re so desperate for a man that you’re willing to do anything to get and keep one. You are going to have to learn to love yourself before you can let anyone else into your life to love you. There is only one person you should more than yourself, and that’s God. Besides him, and at some point, your children – don’t put anybody else before you – ever!

This man does the things he does to you because you let him! The day you decide that you’ve had enough, is the day your life takes a turn for the better. I know it’s hard to find a good man, but they’re out there. You just have to be diligent in your search for one and not settle for a piece of man. When you meet a man and he exhibits the first sign that he is selfish and self serving – believe him, and move around!

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Friday, August 8th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My husband Nick and I moved to Michigan about a year and a half ago because of his job. We have been married for two years and we really didn’t know anyone in the state when we moved here except Nick’s fraternity brother Dino, who was also recently married to a woman named Lanora, so we all became fast friends.

The problem I’m having is that Nick is constantly trying to push me and Lanora to spend time together while he and Nick are constantly in the streets. A couple of times Dino mentioned how much he enjoys watching women together and I just blew it off.

Last week, Lanora and I were having a girls night out and she informed me that Nick and Dino have been trying to figure out how to get the group of us together for sex! I was shocked and didn’t believe her until I went home and confronted Nick who told me that he wouldn’t mind having if I wanted to have sex with Dino as long as he could have sex with Lanora.

Miss Pearl, I put his ass out of our bedroom that night and I haven’t let him come back since. There is no way in hell I would consider being a swinger because I don’t roll like that and I don’t even know where Nick got the idea that I might be ok with something like that.

What should I do with Nick, I don’t even look at him the same way. He’s apologized, but I’m still hurt and very, very angry.

Please help me. This has the potential to ruin my marriage and knowing that my husband wants to see another man having sex with me, I can’t say that I would be that upset if it did.

Pissed Off Soon to Be Ex-Wife
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Pissed Off,

Girl, you have every right to be pissed off. Honestly, I think most men have fantasies of either watching two women have sex, or sleeping with two women at the same time – it does something for their egos (what, I don’t have a clue).

In this situation, your husband isn’t trying to fulfill a harmless sexual fantasy (which isn’t harmful as long as it stays fantasy – or as long as you participate because you want to, and not because it’s his fantasy) The problem I have with this situation is that your husband’s fantasy isn’t about you being satisfied, it’s about his desire to have sex with Lanora!

I’ll never understand why someone would want to watch the person they claim to love have sex with someone else. Hell, I barely want my man to look at another woman, much less lay up with one. But I digress – whatever floats your boat.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe that your husband will be paying much attention to you and Dino at all if this thing goes down, he’ll be concentrating on one thing – Lanora! I can’t believe that these two grown assed men got together and decided to swap wives!

Now, if you’re down for it, by all means, have at it. But if you’re not – you and Nick are in need of some serious counseling because I can’t see you getting past your husband offering you up to another man anytime soon, and I can’t blame you!

Sit Nick down, explain to him exactly how you feel, and then suggest you go to counseling to help him understand how insensitive and ridiculous it is for a married man to suggest his wife have sex with another man while he has sex with another woman.

I would suggest counseling particularly if you and Nick don’t have any other issues in the marriage. If he won’t go to counseling or try to understand your issue, then he’s the insensitive, self-serving type that you don’t want to be married to anyway.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: Misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Thursday, August 7th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I’m a 22 year old dude named Quan and my aunt Val is only 4 years older than me and she’s married to a dude name “Horse”, horse is a stripper and my aunt knows this. She’s OK with it because he brings home some serious cash.

My girlfriend has a gay sister named Tori who is gay. Tori recently told me that Horse has been stripping in the gay clubs. I didn’t believe her until she brought me pictures of him at a recent gay pride even in a town called Galveston, Texas. Miss Pearl, this dude was letting dudes put their fingers in his butt, they were grabbing his penis and he was bringing dudes on stage giving one man shows and lap dances.

Tori’s friend also told me that Horse lets some of the gay dudes at the club come into his dressing room and suck him off before he comes on stage so that he will still be hard. Should I tell Val, or should I mind my own business.

We are a tight family and I don’t want to hurt my aunt, but at the same time. I think she should know what Horse is up to.

Nephew Keyon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“
Dear Nephew Keyon,

I always say that people should mind their own business when it comes to personal relationships because you just never know what the other person already knows; But in this case, I’ll suggest that you do some soul searching.

Ask yourself, “Does Val already know that her husband is letting men touch him for dollars and it doesn’t matter because of the dollars?”, “Does she know that her husband is a stripper and although she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t mind him being touched by women… but would have a serious problem with him getting male fingers up his ass?”, “Would she get mad at you if you tell her?”, “Would she want to know?”

See, I would say mind your own business if all he’s doing is stripping, but random oral sex from men just to get hard means that he’s probably doing the same thing with random women and because of the safety issues that come with that, I say scream it to the mountain top because if he’ll let somebody give him oral sex, he’ll go all the way!

Your aunt is being put in a dangerous situation. And if you want to tell her for that reason, by all means, DO IT! If she decides to stay with him after that, then that’s her issue, you’ve done your part. Now, if you don’t feel comfortable getting involved, tell your mom or another aunt. Sisters just love getting involved in shit like this.

Another thought, use the same pictures you’ve told me about, get them to Val where you know she would be the only person to receive them, and then walk away. This way, when you’re sure that she has gotten her hands on them and Horse is still at the house – you’ve done your part, and him still being there means that Val loves that Horse more than she loves herself.

PS: Horse is his name you say? Send me some of these naked pictures. I want to make sure that you saw what you think you saw.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Wednesday, August 6th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My name is Anaya and I’m 15 years old and I live in a nice neighborhood and in a wealthy, stable family of 6. I live with my mother, my father (a good father and successful black dentist.) my two little sisters and my big sister whose one year older.

I feel as if I’ve been longing for love for my entire life, not from a man, but from my mother. I’ve always known my mother preferred my big sister Jacquie over me because she made it obvious, plus the fact that people would always tell me to be more like her made it even more obvious. My problem is that I can’t handle it anymore, I feel like I’m living with three enemies, my mother, my little sister, and my big sister Jacquie.

My mom has said a lot of hurtful things throughout the years, including telling me that I could commit suicide, she had enough of me. I was always turbulent as a child I was the tomboy, the rebel. But I don’t think that I was. I never stole or beat anybody up or disrespected my mom to the point where she would hate me ( she told me she hated me about 1 month ago, I don’t remember ever hearing her tell me she loved me if so.. she was just having one of her ” moments ” ).

Recently me and Jacquie have been going at it and my mom always takes her side without even knowing what it’s about. Thankfully my father was there once or twice to tell her she wasn’t helping anyone by picking sides. Every time my dad defends me I just feel this big ball of joy and quickly get away into my room to cry out of joy.

My mom has decided a solution to me and Jacquie’s arguing is to separate us. She gathered me and my two sisters together and dropped the bomb “I think to resolve the problem Naya should spend her summers in Spain” (with friends of my dad who I barely know.)

Basically she thinks me and Jacquie should be separated and I’m the one who should be going away to some stranger’s house on another continent. My little sister also proposed I get a psychologist for my “anger management” problems (which according to my closest friends, I don’t have). My mom and my sister Jacquie agreed.

Miss pearl if only you knew how hard it is to live in a house where you feel as if you have no support whatsoever from your own mother and your two sisters.

Am I really the problem? What could I do to change their minds about who I am or make them understand where I’m coming from and maybe why I have so much anger inside? I know how everybody wants to be the victim, maybe I’m one of them.

Sincerely,

Alone at home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Along at Home,

My heart really goes out to you because I can honestly feel the pain in your words. What I don’t want to do without knowing this story from both ends, is put all the blame on anybody. I won’t tell you that your mother and sisters are wrong because honestly, they may not be.

We don’t necessarily see our anger issues the same way everyone else see’s it, so I honestly can’t say whether you have an issue or not. If I were you, I wouldn’t use friends as co-signers about the true you, because in life, our family typically gets it a lot worse than our friends do.

Now, where I will say that your mother is dead wrong is in the fact that she’s taking sides and ganging up against you with your sisters instead of trying to find out what the issue really is. If what you’ve said is true, she has said some things to you that no mother should ever say to her teenage child and she needs to be checked on that. Don’t spend a whole lot of time focusing on your mother, you need to work on you.

Try, with all of your might to work things out with your sister whenever you feel it about to get out of control. For one day, don’t argue with anybody. Be as nice as you can and try to get a feel for the flow of the “day” by the end of the night. Did your mother and sisters appear to be much nicer to you during your “good” day? Did you feel better? You don’t have to kiss any body’s butt, just don’t argue or act a fool. You seem to be a level headed young lady, so use some of that to get a little peace every.

I have to ask, is there anyone in the family (adult) that you can talk to about your issues with your mother and sisters? Where is dad when all of this stuff is going on? I suggest you write down your thoughts on the family dynamic, detaling every single issue you have, why you have them, and how it makes you feel, and then go to the park with dad, go to McDonald’s, sit in the car together, or go to his office. At the end of the day, all you need to do is get some alone time with him so that you can let him know that there is an obvious disconnect with the family and you don’t want it to continue.

Ask him to prep mom on your conversation and then schedule some time with mom – alone. Tell her everything you’ve told me, and everything you tell dad. If you don’t believe that you can talk to dad, go to mom and tell her that you want to go to counseling, (and don’t think that counseling is a bad thing, or it’s something that means you’re crazy, because it’s not.)

Think of counseling the same way you view Miss Pearl, because it was probably much easier to pour your heart out to a “stranger” than it will ever be to have a sit down with your mother or father. That’s why we choose our own best friends and confidants.

Go to counseling and say all the things that you want to get off your chest and get a professional opinion on what corrective actions to take in order to fix your relationships at home because Miss Pearl speaks from the heart, but in this case, I don’t’ like getting involved in family type situations that might change life as you know it forever. A therapist is trained to help with stuff like this.

At the end of the day, if you feel uncomfortable talking to your mom, write her a letter that says exactly what you said to me, just go into detail. Don’t be rude, don’t make accusations, just use facts and tell her how you feel.

Good luck, Shug and please keep in touch.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Tuesday, August 5th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My son Bernard is 19 years old, handsome, great student and a wonderful all around person. The problem I have is that his girlfriend is a disrespectful slut and I hate her. She is only 18 years old and has told me that Bernard is her FIFTH boyfriend!

This girl is from the wrong side of the tracks and I keep telling my son that he needs to concentrate on college and leave this burgundy haired little girl alone, but he won’t listen to me. I found out that my son had sex with his last girlfriend (the only other one he’s ever had) because I found a condom in his pocket and he broke down and confessed that they had been having sex.

The problem I have is that I find it hard to believe that this girl has had five boyfriends and hasn’t had sex with all of them. I have tried to warn my son about women and how they try to trap young men with potential by getting pregnant, but he doesn’t listen to a word I say.

I don’t want my son ending up with a girl who has had five men at 18 and she’s not even in college, she works in a call center! What can I do to convince my son that he should find a nice girl in college and leave this girl alone because my husband won’t help me?

Mom in Hell
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Dear Mom in hell,

Girl go to hell! Just what makes you so sure that a girl who has had five boyfriends has had sex with all five of them? She’s 18, I’m surprised that she hasn’t had more than five.

Do you know how many boyfriend’s I’d had by the time I turned 18? Do you know how many, “I like you, do you like me? Please circle yes or no” notes I passed around class? Girl please, I would have a boyfriend and quit his ass because another boy had a cuter lunch box.

You need to mind your own damned business, what’s the problem with this girl working in a call center? I’m sure plenty of Pearl’s readers work in call centers and I hope they rip you a new ass – everybody isn’t college material, and not everyone has the means to attend college. I commend her for getting up and going to work every day. You don’t know what her future plans are, do you?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you can’t call this girl a slut because you think she’s had sex with a bunch of men while you’re looking at your son as if he’s an angel! You said yourself that you only found out that St. Bernard had sex after you found a condom and confronted him – so, it’s not like you have this open, honest relationship where he came to you to talk about his sex life. You know about that one girl because you ran up on a condom, Missy!

Your boy has probably had sex with more than his girlfriend – you just don’t know it. I say mind your own business. If you’ve raised your son to be a good person who uses common sense, then you’ve equipped him with the tools he’ll need to make wise, conscious decisions – back the hell up!

When do you have time to worry about your own husband? In the real world, your son will probably go through five more women before he decides to settle down and that’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to date to decide who you want to be with and not get with one person and marry them because someone else thinks you should – that’s how people get married and divorced so quickly.

Your son is a young man, let him enjoy that. Just teach him to be safe and don’t interrupt unless you honestly believe that he’s making some bad decisions.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Monday, August 4th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Hello Ms. Pearl,

I’ve always wanted to ask you for advice to see what type of response I got back from you (lol). Now I have an issue, and I am in the process of sorting out my feelings. I figured getting some advice may help me put things into perspective or let me know if I’m thinking the right thing or if I’m just “trippin’ “.

Here goes…..

The guy I am seeing just informed me (yesterday 7/31/08) that he MAY have a baby on the way. I’m happy he told me about it and it was before me, so I can’t be mad about that. The problem is he found out in January or February.

We met in March. He has had plenty of time to tell me. Now feelings have developed, and I have to decide if I wanna stay or go. I know what you’re thinking…. it was before me! That part I understand, but he deceived me. He withheld information from me thinking that if he waited to tell me I would take it better. I didn’t! It would have been better to find out before we got involved so that I could decide if I wanted to stay or go. He took away my choice!

Now I have to chose between my heart and my head. The only reason it’s a problem for me is because I don’t do “baby momma drama”. I have no children yet. He has a teenager and now a “possible” soon to be new born. I feel deceived, torn and I’m upset!!! I’m happy he told me the truth. But I don’t know if I want to get myself into this.

A teenager and one baby momma is one thing but a new born and another baby momma…. that’s a bit much! That is a fresh relationship. What should I do?

Heavy Heart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Heavy Heart,

A few things jump out at me with this one. First off, you met this man in March and the woman apparently got pregnant in January or February, so, in a sense, I can see why he didn’t tell you up front. He had just met you and didn’t know whether you would be there the next day, much less four months later. So, in his defense, I can see why it became increasingly difficult to tell you with each passing day.

Maybe he’s decided to be upfront because he’s realized that he really cares for you, and because he expects you to be around, now it’s time to share the most intimate and personal details of his life with you. There was no need to share that with you the day he met you because he didn’t (and still doesn’t) know if the baby is his or not. Why put you both through that until he’s sure that you’re going to be around?

Now, the second issue is – if she was pregnant in January (or February) he surely had to have had sex with her no more than a month or two of meeting you – are you sure that that relationship is over? Do you know this woman? Is she the baby mama drama type? You do realize that getting involved with a man one month after he got another lady pregnant means that there was a) at least a long term relationship between the two of them or b) he had unprotected sex with random jump-off… either way, do you really want to be bothered with that?

Your decision on whether you want to continue to deal with this man or move on is one that only you can make. He hasn’t taken that choice away from you, he may have delayed your decision making process, but he surely didn’t eliminate your ability to be proactive as it relates to matters of your heart.

The choice(s) are easy:

• You’ve only known the man for 5 months, there can’t be that many “feelings” involved that you won’t be able to get over relatively quickly.
• If you love the man and think he’s worth working it out with, stick with it as long as you feel that you need to. If things get to the point where you feel like they’ve become unhealthy for you, then move around. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in – so you hold the ace on both ends here.
• Stay… or go

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Friday, August 1st – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My name is LaDaricka St. James, but my birth name is Derrick. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I am a pre-op transsexual. I have a big problem that’s not really mine, but I feel like I have a moral obligation to do something about it.

My best friend TeTe is also a transsexual and we both moved to Atlanta two years ago because we decided that we wanted to live as women full time and knew that it would be very hard if we did it in our home town.

I like to date straight men and so does my best friend TeTe, the problem is that I tell all the men I date that I still have male sexual organs and TeTe does not. She is dating a good guy who is a doctor and he really loves her and will do anything for her. He has a girlfriend who doesn’t know about TeTe and now he is about to leave his girlfriend to move in with Te. The good doctor doesn’t know that Te is a man because they have never had sex and I feel like Te should tell him before he finds out later and something bad happens because he seems to have a short fuse whenever he gets mad and I fear that he will do something to hurt Te.

I asked Te to tell him and she says that she wants to wait until they move in together, that way he will feel obligated to stay since they already live together.

Should I say something or mind my own business?

LaDaricka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear LaDaricka,

I don’t know if you owe it to tell the “good doctor” yourself, but TeTe surely does. This is a disaster waiting to happen, I can assure you. So, while on one hand I feel sorry for the doctor in that he is dating, and has fallen in love with, what he believes to be a woman – on the same token, his deceitful ass is getting it no less than exactly how he’s giving it because his girlfriend believes that she’s with a faithful man!

I honestly don’t know what to say here because there are so many angles one could take – are you genuinely concerned because you’re just a naturally good person, or does it bother you because your best friend ended up with a doctor who will do anything for her/him?

Is Te really planning to tell the doc that she’s a he, or is she hoping that it won’t ever come up? Is Te ready to deal with the anger, and possible ass whoopin that is almost sure to come when her straight boyfriend finds out that he’s been a gay man all of this time? Are you concerned about the doctor, Te, yourself or the doctors clueless girlfriend? She’s the only victim in this sordid tale, so for that reason alone, I believe that she deserves to know that her man is with another man (whether he knows or not).

Get your thoughts together and decide which boat you want to ride on. If you really believe that this man deserves to know (and hell, I suspect he probably does since I’m sure Te has to do some “grooming techniques” that not many women have to do) then you should confront Te and explain to her that she is potentially breaking up a home for naught if this man finds out that she’s a he and decides to leave her, so why not find out BEFORE they move in together if he really wants to continue to be with her, and if he doesn’t – she can give that problem to his girlfriend.

If Te doesn’t agree and you still feel like doc needs to know, drop an anonymous note.

PS: I hate to hear gay men say that they only date “straight” men – Shug, if a man bends you over and there are two sets of balls slappin’ against one another – he ain’t straight. Wigs and 3lbs of Maybelline notwithstanding.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Thursday, July 31st – Dear Miss Pearl…

Hey Auntie,

I’m writing you today in hopes of getting some advice on how to address a “touchy” issue with a close family member. I have an Aunt in her late 30s who has always despised going to the dentist ever since childhood. I remember her running away one time because my grandparents were taking her to the dentist and she didn’t want to go. She’s a really nice looking lady who looks like she’s in her early 20s, but her breath smells like the PITS OF HELL.

My mom said she wants to tell her that her breath has an “odor” but asked me how to tell her. Of course I wasn’t able to give any advice because I know body odors tend to be a sensitive subject to address, and on top of that, my mother has never been the type of person who can say something really messed up in a nice way, and I just can’t do it myself.

I always try to throw hints like whew, it’s been 6 months, I gotta make a dentist appointment or whew chile, I need to get my teeth cleaned…..in hopes that she’ll say, yeah, I need to make me an appointment too. That didn’t work. She can’t seem to keep a man around to save her life, and we’ve come to believe that this is the reason why. Don’t no man want a woman w/ stank breath!

She may even be aware of the problem, because she keeps gum, but maybe she’s just afraid of the good ol’ dentist. She also has insurance, so that is no excuse. I feel bad for even typing this, but Auntie, I really need your help in helping another Auntie!!!

BTW, I love what you do. I always share your Dear Miss Pearls w/ my online groups and we’ve all come to the conclusion that you’re a straight up TRIP!!!

Waiting to INhale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Waiting,

You have my sympathy because I can surely sympathize with having someone breathin’ in your face with breath that causes your eyelashes to quit. I know a girl with breath so bad, I have to use visine to get the red out of my eyes after she says good mornin’.

Unfortunately, I think your aunt probably knows that she has bad breath (people with bad breath often do because the physical signs of something amiss is there even if the verbal ones aren’t). The issue that a lot of people have is that they have tried every mouthwash, toothpaste, floss and mint known to man, and when nothing seems to work, they resign within themselves that they’re stuck with yuck and they give up.

People don’t realize it, but if you really look at it, people with chronic bad breath typically go from one extreme to the other. You either have those people who withdraw from everyone around them and don’t deal with others well. (a defense mechanism: If people realize that I don’t want to talk, they won’t talk to me and I won’t have to offend them with my “problem”) Or, you have people who don’t have a clue that their breath smells like coffee, eggs, cigarettes and shit and those are the people who get as close to your nose as they can when they speak and try to use every word with the letters “H” and “F” known to man while doing it.

I’m not sure which category your aunt falls into, but I suggest that someone close to her, that she trusts and feels comfortable with be the one to sit her down and have this conversation with her. People don’t realize it, but there are many reasons that people have bad breath and it’s not always the fact that they don’t brush. Believe it or not, the list of causes of chronic halitosis span everywhere from chronic sinus problems to diabetes to mouth ulcers.

If you are close with your aunt, then I suggest you sit down and talk to her. Just sit her down, be honest and say, “Aunt Tictactia, I’m only telling you this because I love you and it hurts me that people are saying things about you behind your back. If there was something about me that was causing people to say negative things about me and you were aware of it, I’d want you to tell me too…” and then just tell her exactly what you told me.

Do some research on the Internet first and tell her that you’ve even looked it up and you’ve learned that there are many ways to treat her issue, but the first thing she will have to do is go to see a hygienist – now, this conversation will definitely have to take place face to face, and as much as it will pain you, you might have to get close enough to breathe in some of that foul air, but you take a few dabs of perfume and dab it all up and through your nose before you sit her down and you’ll be alright.

Be honest, everything will work out. You never know, she might have a health issue that even she doesn’t know about. If you don’t to talk to her, send her a heart felt anonymous note that says exactly what you would say to her face – just don’t be dumb enough to sign your name.

I’m “Glade” you asked me for advice instead of just letting your aunt walk around spraying doo doo fumes around the city messin’ up the ozone layer.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Wednesday, July 30th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

I have a work related problem. I hope the advice I get is well thought out because, I might use it.
My problem is at work, I don’t think my supervisor like me and I don’t know how to really approach this because it is my job. But, at the same time I can’t let things escalate beyond control. I’ve been at my job for 3 years, she has been hear for 5 months and so has the director. A lot of changes had to be made because of the work ethic, and it is very clear that this had nothing to do with me.

I’ve noticed things like, she told me I have’t to have enough earn time to schedule a vacation, but I know of at least two people that

she did this for without having enough over time.

They started a new system, I didn’t get training on the new system yet. Even though I did the same system two years ago, she would rather have someone that is horrible at computers that constantly keep making mistakes before she has me, I am excellent at computer, I’m a big help in the office.

I have sent emails regarding problems with work that she as a supervisor normally is suppose to answer. But she gave me a sarcastic answer, so I just noted everything that has to do with that particular problem, so that when it comes back she will have’t to explain. Which she eventually did.

There’s a new system that all the employees has to start using, in order to get any personal information or to make personal changes. They offered a class on it. I was told someone is going to train us as a group, we never got the training and they let someone else go.

The problem I’m about to have is that I am not a quitter, that may be what they want. I have bills to pay, so I make sure I do my work and come in on time. But I’m about to bring shit to the table, to documented everything that I feel I am having a problem with. I’m just not sure how to pursue this without creating a war. I can’t just sit around and let these things to pile up and keep a smile on my face.

Sign
WTF
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Dear WTF,

Sometimes when people in the workplace feel threatened by your potential to outshine them, they do things to make you so uncomfortable that you either a) develop an attitude so stank that it becomes apparent to the people around you that you have a bad attitude, and now that you’ve laid the groundwork for their master plan, they go to the powers that be to help them help your ass right out the door because you’ve given them all the ammunition they need to get rid of you, or b) you get so disgruntled, that you leave on your own and their work is done.

On the flip side of that, people often become so disillusioned about their own abilities that they get arrogant and the people around them roll their eyes because they know that they’re not as good as you think they are.

I’ve read your letter and I can honestly say that I don’t know which is the case, but from what I read, your follow-up isn’t as good as you’ve convinced yourself it is (and that may be your problem).

I mean, lets be realistic, I’m just Miss Pearl, and you don’t get paid to impress me, but if you were sending a request for advice with the knowledge that I will wear a trick out depending upon how I feel that day, why would you send me a letter that was this poorly written? And detailing how “good” you are, at that?

I mean really, the easiest thing you can do on a computer is spell/grammar check – it’s one click. If you didn’t feel the need to do that in a letter that you were writing about how professional and good you are, then I can’t see you conveying that “greatness” on the job.

I suggest you re-evaluate your work ethic and make sure that you’re as skilled as you say you are. After you’ve done that, you need to sit down with your new supervisor and ask her if she sees anything with your work that could stand a bit of fine tuning – you never know, asking her if there is anything that you can do to better your job performance may very well be what she’s looking for in you.

Good luck.

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com

Tuesday, July 29th – Dear Miss Pearl…

Dear Miss Pearl,

My fiance’, Mohammed cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant but I took him back. Then, when our baby turned 4 months, he moved in with the lady he cheated on me with. (Turns out he was still messing around with her.) I was too busy taking care of my daughter to be able to concentrate on dating another man, so while he lived with the other woman, I didn’t see anybody, but I secretly hoped that he would come back to his daughter and I.

I decided to take him back again when he came to me and said that he realized that he realized that he was wrong for messing around and leaving us in the first place, only to have the woman he was living with call me to say that he only came back because he lost his job and she wouldn’t let him continue to live with her with no income.

It has been four months and I’ve realized that I’m no longer in love with him, but I wonder if it’s worth it to keep him around for my daughters sake. Should I end the relationship and allow him to sleep on the sofa so that he can be around my daughter? (I believe that if I don’t let him stay, he won’t be a part of her life)

Anselah
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Dear Anselah,

Hell no you shouldn’t keep him around! I’m an absolute advocate for two parent households, particularly within the black community because we don’t have nearly enough people co-parenting our children as it is, but, in this case, I believe that your daughter is actually better off with a father like hers (who obviously has no respect for women) playing a secondary role in her life.

Think about it, he didn’t come back because he gave a shit about his daughter (or you for that matter) he came back because he didn’t have a choice. I’m sorry, but you don’t need this man in your life and neither does your daughter. If you’re so worried about the negative affects of her father not being around, then maybe you should consider the fact that having a father who is obviously there for convenience won’t change your daughters view on men for the greater good, either.

Put his ass out! Can you honestly see yourself living in a situation with a man you don’t want to be with for the next fifteen years? He doesn’t want to be with you, and you don’t want to be with him – let him go so that you can let yourself go!

When you’re up to it, find yourself a real man who can be an example to your daughter that not all men are bad men – and hopefully while you work on that, your boyfriend will come to his senses about being a responsible parent, but if he doesn’t – you have the tools you need to teach her what’s acceptable and what’s not. (Just don’t teach her that she should continue to make an ass out of herself by continuing to take a man back whose treated her like shit)

If you want advice from Miss Pearl, send me an email to: misspearlswindow@yahoo.com